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Nov. 24th, 2005 @ 06:41 pm thanksgiving
Current Mood: melancholy
its thanksgiving. i ate some food and took a nap. it was okay. my little cousins were not at our house this time. that made me very happy. they are really annoying and make me want to go crazy. last night was fun, i hung out with my friends JJ and Carl and we went to the sussex bowl to watch The Britins. it was a great night. lots of good music and drugs you could say. wednesday was good cause i didn't feel anything for laura. and it didn't hit me until today, that sucks. now i'm just in my own little world. i know something that her and someone who i work with did. and i'm not mad at her as much as i'm mad at the person i work with. he knew how i was feeling and he did it anyway. thats what makes me mad. he fucking knew. but i can't do anything about it. i just want to go to her, "hey when do i get a go again? we can be drunk or high and it shouldn't matter". but it won't, because we are "friends trying to rebuild what we have".thats dumb. i guess she can sleep with everyone else, but not me. i'm not going to go on anymore. hope everyone is doing alright and i'll talk to everyone when i get back to work. lorin, hope you have a great weekend seeing "the saturday club", and hope your thanksgiving went well.
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Nov. 22nd, 2005 @ 11:28 pm tuesday
Current Mood: optimistic
its tuesday and i'm feeling somewhat better. i talked with my two good friends and after awhile it helped. i stopped thinking of what happened as my fault, because it wasn't. i shouldn't think that way. i'm feeling good and now i'm going to play video games with ramrod:). one of my old friends called me up and said "sorry" for what happened to us. it feels nice. i don't know if she was drunk but it made me feel good non-the-less. thanksgiving is coming up and i don't want to see my family but i get to get high with James Jarome, or JJ as we call him. and i get to see the britins at the sussex bowl. kick ass shit. so i'm looking for the future. have fun everyone.
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Nov. 22nd, 2005 @ 02:44 am monday
Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: none
its monday...well tuesday if you want to be specific. today is the day after everything went down. it sucked. i slept alot yesterday and today. i took my peace studies exam and fell asleep during that. ah well i really don't care. i saw laura today for alittle bit. and it sucked. i went to the 8th note to work and it was somewhat better. people there know what i'm going through, atleast jason and lorin do. i went with jason to circle b tonight. it was really fun. it helped me take my mind off everything. now i'm here in my room and i just feel empty. theres nobody in my room, nobody to sleep next to. it's just horrible. i know i'll get through this, but the person i could turn to isn't here. thats the worst. i want to see her wednesday before i leave for thanksgiving. i want to tell her that everything is going to be fine and i want to tell her sorry again but i know thats not going to help anyone. i just want to give her a hug before i leave, that way it won't be like the last one i gave her. i feel that sometimes i am over it and i can turn off the feelings switch on her, but when that happens something comes up and reminds me of how i feel. i just want to tell her that i'm all better and we can hang out again, but then i'm only lying to myself. its going to be tough, but i know i have friends that can help me and i'm happy for that. i'm looking forward to going home cause i get to hang out with my friend JJ again. that'll be fun, but i don't know what i'll do after that. thats only wednesday night. i'm sure stuff will come up. well thats all for now, alittle better then yesterday, but not alot. i just have to keep myself busy and just try to move on. it will all work out in the long run, but until then...
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Nov. 20th, 2005 @ 05:57 pm i really don't know
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: jim gaffigan
Its sunday. its 535pm. i'm at the 8th note by myself. i had to get away. i can't be in my room, i can't be there when she moves out her stuff. it'll be to hard. me and my friend laura are taking a break now. and it sucks, its horrible. i feel completely empty inside and i feel alone. i hate this, i hate this so much. we had rules so this wouldn't happen, and i broke the rules. i had more feelings for her then she had for me. and its horrible. the past two weeks have been great and now because of me its ruined. i just feel so bad that i had feelings for her. i don't want to be in my room because its going to be so empty without her there. i can't listen to certain things because i'm going to think of her and that is going to hurt. i told her today that we have to spend some time apart. it was the hardest thing i ever had to do. i just feel so alone. i don't know why i fell for her. it always happens like that. they never have the same feelings back. we had soemthing special...and i wish we still had that. i just don't know what to do. i want to call her right now, but we agreed not to. i just want us to be friends still, but i'm worried that it won't happen. we were both upset when we had our talk. it was so hard saying "good-bye". i've never felt this way before about a girl. i thought of her as my g/f but she never thought of me as her b/f. thats why it sucks so much. i thought, i hoped for something. in my mind i had that. but i didn't. thats why i feel so empty right now. i really want to call her. i want to call her right now, just to hear her voice. we agreed to have some space. after we said good-bye, i saw her waiting outside the door for the smoking patio. she was waiting for her friend so they could talk. it was so strange. it's because we were so upset. i gave her a hug. she still had tears in her eyes. when i hugged her, there were more. i feel horrible. i didn't want her to be upset. i didn't want to cause her pain. eventhough she caused me pain. the next few days/weeks. i will be completely different. i will just be a blob of emotion. i shouldn't let it get to me. but it does. i hope that we can get through this. i want us to be friends again. i want to feel the same way i did for the past 2wks. i know its only 2wks. some people will say stuff. "oh its only two weeks". it was different for us. it just was. i'd give anything to have that time back...
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